I Just Died and Went to Heaven

If you buy these I will cum!

Happy Anniversarys to Me!

I have 5 MAJOR anniversaries this year. One really sucky one and 4 great ones. I will start with the crap first so I can just get it out of the way. April marked one year since my x up and walked out on me. I have not yet gotten over how she did it or the disrespectful and hurtful things she has said or done since then. But that is all I want say about that.

So how about the COOL stuff? Yeah.

April also marks the first steps into my transition. I can back to San Diego after a week in Arizona for IFGE living every second as my true self. It was awkward but so wonderful. I made the final decision to transition without hesitation only 2 days after being in Tuscon. Without the X in the picture when I was to come back from IFGE, I had nothing left to give me pause about my decision. It was the right decision for me. Of that I have no doubts.

June 8 marks my one year anni of starting HRT. And let me tell you I am simply amazed when I look at old pictures of myself. The hormones have done wonderful things for me. Well except for trying to lose weight. That has been very hard since my metabolism is slowed dramatically. I just need to work harder. I do not miss the T monster at all. Withing 3 weeks of being on e the high really kicks in. And don't be fooled by that, it is not always a wonderful thing. Emotions go crazy as your body begins to change. It really is like starting puberty all over again.

I have never in my life been so happy to cry and cry and cry than those first few months.

May marks the month I basically came out to every friend and family member I had. This was by far the most stressful thing to go through in my entire life. While I was preparing to take the full force of rejection and a life of loss, I found something much different. My parents, family and real friends embraced me. Nichole was welcomed into the world. It has not been without it's moments. But the support I received was overwhelming.

September 1 was officially the very first day of the rest of my life. I came out at work and to the rest of the world as myself in full color 24/7. The start of the RLT (Real Life Trial) had begun. This is something we TS have to go through under the WPATH guidelines in order to even consider SRS/GRS. I had already been seeing a shrink for quite a while. I knew I was ready before that day. I wish I had started sooner in life. But then I have no real regrets. Well maybe one. I wish I has started the name change process sooner. Though my driver license name and gender had been changed, the court order was not complete until October. That was just a little uncomfortable but it's done now. One thing they don't tell you in TransSchool is there is a ton of other things you need to get changed too. And it will be a royal pain in the but.

So I have quite a bit to celebrate in my new life. I may have lost friends but I have gained many more. I may be a little lonely, but I gained the love of myself and the strength and confidence to do anything I set my mind too. I gained a sense of happiness and calm I had never known before in my life. I learned so much about myself and the world. I became the person I always felt inside.

Basically, yes I was born last year.

Surgery and all that other stuff is only part of becoming the next and in MY mind better version of myself. It may not be necessary for me to live a full life in some peoples eyes but it is in mine. You see the only thing I still need to work on is my self image. It has always been lacking for obvious reasons. Living a life as someone you are not kills your sense of self. But trust me, I am so much happier about where I am going. Through all the crap and questions, I know who I am and where I am going. Everyone should be so lucky.
I consider myself to be a very lucky woman. I have a story to tell and it is filled with the wonders of my life.

Happy Anniversarys to Me!

Things they don't teach you in Transition 101

Your butt will get bigger but so will the tops of your thighs.

The need for "Anti Monkey-Butt" powder is in your future.

People will look at you funny but won't tell you why?

Make sure your Monkey-Butt ain't peaking.

You will require lots of praise and support to make it through each day.

Be sure it's not because your Monkey-Butt is falling out.

You will suffer from acute periods of loneliness.

Your droopy Monkey-Butt may be of concern here. But be sure your not just becoming a hermit.

Everything will become much more colorful and pretty when you start hormones.

Well except for the aforementioned Monkey-Butt. That is simply not pretty.

Money will become a thing of the past. Like owning a boat your body will develop a hole or two in which you pour money.

Your boobs will ache or other parts will for long periods of time. While this is considered good in most cases because stuff is growing in your newly re-pubescent body, consider that if you have Monkey-Butt... It's not good.

You may find yourself suddenly unemployed for no obvious reasons. This could be a direct result of the Monkey-Butt managers you have been slaving for all these years.

Your emotions will run wild in all directions. Sometimes you will feel lost and questioning everything in your life. Fine, but ask a monkey if it's Monkey-Butt is going to stop it from climbing trees and eating bananas.

Your life will take on new meaning. Friends will come and go and so may your family. But always remember: Your Monkey-Butt is no worse off than my Monkey-Butt. We all have to stick together and seek out love, honesty and support each other. It's the right thing to do and it will make your Monkey-Butt feel much better.

Surround yourself with positive energy. Cast out the demons and the negative. They will only make your Monkey-Butt worse. You did not come all this way to feel like shit. So stop dragging your ass and be yourself. Be Happy. As a friend recently told me.

• Write down EVERYTHING you like about yourself.
• Write down EVERYTHING you have to be grateful for .
• Write down EVERYTHING that makes you happy, new or old.

If you surround yourself with nasty Monkey-Butt thoughts that is what your life is going to end up like. You are what you eat and what you think. Remember the Sun is Always Shining. ALWAYS. Just because you cannot see it does not mean it is not there.

Now take that nasty ole Monkey-Butt and do something beautiful like, live happily ever after.

Be Careful How Deep...

Look in to my eyes. What do you see?
Now let me do the same. What do you think I will find?
Now the hardest part.
Look deep into yourself. What do you see?

Be careful how deep you look. You may find things you did not want to see. You may even learn things you did not want to know. You will certainly find things you did not realize were there and you may even open doors you did not know existed.

Someone I care about recently talked of how important it was to look in to her partner's eyes. The longer you look the more you can see. The deeper you look the more you will learn. Sometimes that is a really good thing. Sometimes it can be a hard pill to swallow. So what happens when you turn your gaze inwards and see things that really bug you? What happens when you see those things you do not like or maybe had locked away for keeps only to have them explode from those feeble bound hiding places?

Do you ever wonder what happens inside a mind that rediscovers things it tried to lock away for good? Questions keep leading to more questions. And emotions pile upon each other like dead trees in a flooded river. Eventually the back-pressure can become so great that this emotional damn gives way.

If only you could have seen this coming. Then how do you stop it. Or better, how do you clear so many logs as they pile on one after another in quick succession? I really wish I had some of these answers. But I don't. every person deals with emotions and memories good or bad in a different way. The chemical reactions in the brain may be similar between us all, but the outcome is often much different from one person to the next.

I have found myself being pulled in so many different directions lately that the top of the damn was not in my view. Unaware that damn began to unravel itself. And now I am left cleaning up a mess that frankly I did not know I had. I have frozen at the site of all those emotional logs tumbling out and rushing towards me. And I don't know what to do.

Where do you begin to pick up the peaces when everything still seems to be coming down around you?

I hope I can provide some answer to that shortly.

Do You Wanna Get Married?